Saturday, September 17, 2005
A New Me Is Born
I was lying on the bed thinking, as usual, when this sudden thought came to me. I decided to write it down in case I turn back on my own words...
I had been thinking a lot recently and I really mean a lot. Good things, bad things, happy things, sad things, etc. Why am I thinking so much, u might ask... Mid-life crisis(how can 25yrs old *ahem* be considered mid-life)? Nothing better to do (how can that be? i can always use the time to play maplesea)? Wanted to give myself more grey hair so that I can start the trend of having ash grey colour for hair (and save money on colouring my hair... hmmm... that's not such a bad idea)?
I think the most possible reason is because a lot of things happened to me recently, mostly not so good things though. Things that I would not want to be reminded of in the years to come... When I was younger, I had many aspirations. I want to have a career. Drive my dream car at age 30. Have my own apartment when I am 35 years old. Get married at age 28 and have my 1st child at age 30. REALITY CHECKS... *ding, ding* I am nowhere near any of the above.
I do feel like a failure most of the time. Not just because I did not have or am near to accomplish any of the above. Let me assure you that I am not materialistic (people who knows me will know). I feel more like a failure because I cannot provide for my family. I am probably going to stay with my parents till they are gone. I don't want to be a burden to them. I want them to be a burden to me. I want them to be proud of me.
I had been in a self-denial/destruction, whatever you can name that makes me a pessimistic person, for a long time. It is time I get out of this mess. I am going to put the following behind me:
I had been thinking a lot recently and I really mean a lot. Good things, bad things, happy things, sad things, etc. Why am I thinking so much, u might ask... Mid-life crisis(how can 25yrs old *ahem* be considered mid-life)? Nothing better to do (how can that be? i can always use the time to play maplesea)? Wanted to give myself more grey hair so that I can start the trend of having ash grey colour for hair (and save money on colouring my hair... hmmm... that's not such a bad idea)?
I think the most possible reason is because a lot of things happened to me recently, mostly not so good things though. Things that I would not want to be reminded of in the years to come... When I was younger, I had many aspirations. I want to have a career. Drive my dream car at age 30. Have my own apartment when I am 35 years old. Get married at age 28 and have my 1st child at age 30. REALITY CHECKS... *ding, ding* I am nowhere near any of the above.
I do feel like a failure most of the time. Not just because I did not have or am near to accomplish any of the above. Let me assure you that I am not materialistic (people who knows me will know). I feel more like a failure because I cannot provide for my family. I am probably going to stay with my parents till they are gone. I don't want to be a burden to them. I want them to be a burden to me. I want them to be proud of me.
I had been in a self-denial/destruction, whatever you can name that makes me a pessimistic person, for a long time. It is time I get out of this mess. I am going to put the following behind me:
- -$$$
- Bad Relationship
- Bad Friendships
- Bad Career Choices
- Whatever Bad Things That Had Happened To Me For The Past Years
I am going to start afresh as a new person (from scratch, zero, or whatever you call it). The negative Xiaohei (since that is the only nick I had given myself so far in the blog) that you had known is gone. A new Xiaohei is re-born... I need a favour from people who know me and do read my blog. Should you see the negative Xiaohei lurking around, please knock some sense into the new me and kick negative Xiaohei away. I would really appreciate it.
As for my aspirations, I probably got to add 10 years to them but it's ok. My utmost importance now is to be able to take care of my parents. They are not very old but they are not very young. They are at a age that most think they will still be around for another 2 decades or so but I do not want to take things for granted and leave to regret. Everything else is secondary.
As for my aspirations, I probably got to add 10 years to them but it's ok. My utmost importance now is to be able to take care of my parents. They are not very old but they are not very young. They are at a age that most think they will still be around for another 2 decades or so but I do not want to take things for granted and leave to regret. Everything else is secondary.
5:09 AM
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